Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Last night’s rehearsal was groundbreaking for me.
I have a monologue in the show that requires me to invest a lot of emotion into it. Until last night, I wasn’t able to bring myself to the point that I needed to be at. I’ve been working on it for quite a while and have hit a few obstacles. Last night, by the end of the monologue, I was able to bring myself to tears. I cried!! It’s exactly where I need to be for the monologue. It felt so exhilarating and good! Crying on stage is just about the hardest thing for any actor to do. It requires full investment in the subject material and confidence in yourself in order to allow true tears to come forth. When rehearsal was over, I felt emotionally spent, but I also felt like an actor that could conquer the world. Having not performed in over 3 years has given me quite a few doubts within myself. But last night changed all that. I am the actor that I used to be.
On the flip side, Ian and I are getting closer as friends, but the relationship is taking a turn for the irritating. We have this thing where we bust each other’s balls from the beginning of rehearsal until the end. As each rehearsal comes and goes, the ball busting gets more and more intense. I guess this is what straight guys and gay guys do to each other when they are trying to form a friendship. I don’t know. I haven’t had a straight guy friend in a while.
Also, Ian won’t keep his hands off of me. Last night we took rehearsal pictures for the website (btw, they came out great!) and I was wearing a pair of suspenders. (My character is a loser…I wasn’t wearing them because I thought they were fashionably acceptable…please) Ian kept running his hands up and down them and snapping them on my back and blah blah blah. It was flirting in its purest form. Then, while the cast was sitting and discussing the show, Ian puts his hand on my knee and starts massaging my leg. I acted as though I wasn’t paying attention, assessing how long he was going to continue the rub down. He rubbed for a good 20 seconds and then I looked at him and he smiled. My response was “Take your hand off my leg or I am going to take this to a level that you won’t be comfortable with.” His response was “Try me”. Yeah…ok Ian.
Kelly and I discussed this for a bit on the commute home and we both agreed that Ian just doesn’t know how to be around gay guys. At least not gay guys like me. Ian has numerous gay acquaintances, but he, according to him, has “none that are like me”. Meaning, that he has none that are as easily accessible as I am. Meaning that I am pretty straight acting, good looking, and cool. How’s THAT for a mid-entry ego boost?
I do think Ian wonders what it would be like to kiss me. I do think Ian wonders what it would be like to use his friendship with me as an opportunity to explore some of the thoughts and feelings that he has dealt with in the past. However, he is 24 years old and in a relationship with a girl for over 3 years. He’s not gay. But he is curious. And why wouldn’t he be? I represent the straight man’s outlet for sexual exploration. I don’t say this in a cocky way at all. I say this in a “I have been in this situation with straight men dozens of times before” way. Ian doesn’t realize that I know every move he’s going to make before he does. This shit has happened to me with so many guys before, that basically I could predict his next move.
At one point, Ian called me a “bitch”. Now, as Ari knows and as most of my friends know, I do not accept that word as a description of myself. Sure, I can be a bitch. What human being can’t? But for a straight man to call me a “bitch” is totally emasculating and it is something that I refuse to tolerate. I didn’t ream him for it, but I made my point clear. “Don’t call me that word. You won’t like the bitch that I can really be.” He laughed it off and called me it again 20 minutes later.
Friday night we are going out for drinks and all of these issues will be addressed. While it’s fun for me to have a friend crush on Ian, it is nothing that I take too seriously. Ideally, I’d love to walk away from this experience with a straight guy friend. A guy that I can hang with, bullshit with, explore different aspects of my personality with. But this is all to be determined by the way we treat each other over the next couple of weeks.
We shall see…
NOW!
In related news…Rita, you are never going to believe this…
The last time I performed in Stupid Kids, my friend Mark played the part that Ian is currently playing. I had a HUGE crush on Mark during the show and although Mark is straight, Mark is one of the guys that I coincidentally turned gay for a little while. Mark and I have spent nights in each other’s bed, we have kissed each other, we cried together, we became very close. After I graduated, we continued to keep in touch, but the relationship was strained because he is straight and I am gay and we crossed the line. (see what I am saying about having been through this situation before? And Mark is just the tip of the iceberg)
I emailed him to let him know that I was in Stupid Kids and he just wrote me back and told me that he is going to come! I have only seen Mark once since I graduated from college, so this is a pretty big deal to me. Having him in the audience is a thrill for me and will give us a chance to get to know each other again. I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Mark. He is one of the most immature and beautiful men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He just joined up with the grad. school program at the university that employs me. I have a feeling that Mark and I have a lot more history to make together before we move on to different parts of our lives.
Look at me with all of my boys splayed out.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a quadrillion times, I am boy crazy. I will be 85, and done with 2 wonderful marriages and will STILL be talking about how I made this guy gay, this guy cry, and this guy want to kill me.
It’s just the way that it goes in the life of Joe CuttheShit.
I have a monologue in the show that requires me to invest a lot of emotion into it. Until last night, I wasn’t able to bring myself to the point that I needed to be at. I’ve been working on it for quite a while and have hit a few obstacles. Last night, by the end of the monologue, I was able to bring myself to tears. I cried!! It’s exactly where I need to be for the monologue. It felt so exhilarating and good! Crying on stage is just about the hardest thing for any actor to do. It requires full investment in the subject material and confidence in yourself in order to allow true tears to come forth. When rehearsal was over, I felt emotionally spent, but I also felt like an actor that could conquer the world. Having not performed in over 3 years has given me quite a few doubts within myself. But last night changed all that. I am the actor that I used to be.
On the flip side, Ian and I are getting closer as friends, but the relationship is taking a turn for the irritating. We have this thing where we bust each other’s balls from the beginning of rehearsal until the end. As each rehearsal comes and goes, the ball busting gets more and more intense. I guess this is what straight guys and gay guys do to each other when they are trying to form a friendship. I don’t know. I haven’t had a straight guy friend in a while.
Also, Ian won’t keep his hands off of me. Last night we took rehearsal pictures for the website (btw, they came out great!) and I was wearing a pair of suspenders. (My character is a loser…I wasn’t wearing them because I thought they were fashionably acceptable…please) Ian kept running his hands up and down them and snapping them on my back and blah blah blah. It was flirting in its purest form. Then, while the cast was sitting and discussing the show, Ian puts his hand on my knee and starts massaging my leg. I acted as though I wasn’t paying attention, assessing how long he was going to continue the rub down. He rubbed for a good 20 seconds and then I looked at him and he smiled. My response was “Take your hand off my leg or I am going to take this to a level that you won’t be comfortable with.” His response was “Try me”. Yeah…ok Ian.
Kelly and I discussed this for a bit on the commute home and we both agreed that Ian just doesn’t know how to be around gay guys. At least not gay guys like me. Ian has numerous gay acquaintances, but he, according to him, has “none that are like me”. Meaning, that he has none that are as easily accessible as I am. Meaning that I am pretty straight acting, good looking, and cool. How’s THAT for a mid-entry ego boost?
I do think Ian wonders what it would be like to kiss me. I do think Ian wonders what it would be like to use his friendship with me as an opportunity to explore some of the thoughts and feelings that he has dealt with in the past. However, he is 24 years old and in a relationship with a girl for over 3 years. He’s not gay. But he is curious. And why wouldn’t he be? I represent the straight man’s outlet for sexual exploration. I don’t say this in a cocky way at all. I say this in a “I have been in this situation with straight men dozens of times before” way. Ian doesn’t realize that I know every move he’s going to make before he does. This shit has happened to me with so many guys before, that basically I could predict his next move.
At one point, Ian called me a “bitch”. Now, as Ari knows and as most of my friends know, I do not accept that word as a description of myself. Sure, I can be a bitch. What human being can’t? But for a straight man to call me a “bitch” is totally emasculating and it is something that I refuse to tolerate. I didn’t ream him for it, but I made my point clear. “Don’t call me that word. You won’t like the bitch that I can really be.” He laughed it off and called me it again 20 minutes later.
Friday night we are going out for drinks and all of these issues will be addressed. While it’s fun for me to have a friend crush on Ian, it is nothing that I take too seriously. Ideally, I’d love to walk away from this experience with a straight guy friend. A guy that I can hang with, bullshit with, explore different aspects of my personality with. But this is all to be determined by the way we treat each other over the next couple of weeks.
We shall see…
NOW!
In related news…Rita, you are never going to believe this…
The last time I performed in Stupid Kids, my friend Mark played the part that Ian is currently playing. I had a HUGE crush on Mark during the show and although Mark is straight, Mark is one of the guys that I coincidentally turned gay for a little while. Mark and I have spent nights in each other’s bed, we have kissed each other, we cried together, we became very close. After I graduated, we continued to keep in touch, but the relationship was strained because he is straight and I am gay and we crossed the line. (see what I am saying about having been through this situation before? And Mark is just the tip of the iceberg)
I emailed him to let him know that I was in Stupid Kids and he just wrote me back and told me that he is going to come! I have only seen Mark once since I graduated from college, so this is a pretty big deal to me. Having him in the audience is a thrill for me and will give us a chance to get to know each other again. I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Mark. He is one of the most immature and beautiful men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He just joined up with the grad. school program at the university that employs me. I have a feeling that Mark and I have a lot more history to make together before we move on to different parts of our lives.
Look at me with all of my boys splayed out.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a quadrillion times, I am boy crazy. I will be 85, and done with 2 wonderful marriages and will STILL be talking about how I made this guy gay, this guy cry, and this guy want to kill me.
It’s just the way that it goes in the life of Joe CuttheShit.
